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"Never trust a man without chest hair."
Ramanuj - 1
Dads are like time capsules. You look at a dad and you know everything about the year he met a mom - the way people dressed up, the food they liked, the hit songs of that year, the fashionable words of those days, and even the amount of hair that was thought to be manly enough in the day. Because they don't change a bit since that day. And they approve of nothing that happened ever since (including you). Your language and dressing are too casual, your food and songs are too fast, and you never managed to grow a decent amount of chest hair. It is like the civilization reached its peak that year in terms of culture and righteousness and it has been spiralling downwards into this cyst of hopelessness ever since. And you embody that hopelessness. Just goes to prove everything goes down after marriage.
So it is the season of marriages. You don't realize how many friends you have until they start getting married. And you know what people start doing when they get engaged? Saying fiancee. (Oh good, I spelt it correctly the first time). I tell you, like with most French words, I knew this word long before I knew its spelling. I don't understand what it is with this word. In India people are always confused about what to call their boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife. "He isn't just my boyfriend, he is much more" doesn't mean that he is her husband. Other samples include "would be" and the quintessentially Indian tautology "true love". Husbands are usually just a "He", "Vo", "Athadu". Even pronunciation of the word "husband" comes with a nervous embarrassed giggle. Men would use all sorts of convoluted adjectives like "Madam" or "Mrs" or "The better half" or "ghar-wali" (the one at home). Why is it so? I bet it is because culturally we are ashamed of admitting to having regular sex, but I am open to less Freudian explanations. In this stifling word culture I am amazed to see a word like fiancee blossom and flourish.
Everyone is fond of using it. Before they get engaged and after they get married couples have no idea how to refer to each other to a third person. But there is this middle period of bliss where they proudly strut around saying "fiancee, fiancee" at the top of their voice and with a twinkle in their eyes. "Oh! My fiance and I went to this movie yesterday.", "My fiancee caught cold", "My fiancee this", "My fiancee that". For a people that have not yet managed to pronounce "Wednesday" correctly, it is stupefying to see the accurate accentuation of this word at every syllable and at every strata of society- "fi-on-SAY". Yeah babe, this word is chic, this word is fashionable, this word is French, this word is English, this word has been approved of in the tony society parties of South Mumbai as well as sabhas of Chennai (the cultural epicentre of the human civilization). Not every word gets such honors - say girlfriend in front of your family and see. Look at its poor desi Hindi cousin "mangaitar" (no, not man-getter, more like sun-waiter and yes my hearing is THAT sharp). No one wants to be anyone's mangaitar anymore. Fiancee? Yes.
I often see one of these happily married men, carrying a kid and lots of shopping bags while the wife gleefully shops away and load them with more stuff. Now, I have nothing against some gentlemanly chivalry in the mall, but honestly some gentleman codes don't make much sense. For example, a gentleman should carry his woman's bags, but should never peek into them. Yes, every relationship has its limits, its maryada. Marital limits apparently end at the woman's handbag. You can peek everywhere else, its fine. How many times have you heard a woman say "pass me my handbag"? You don't just put your hand in your woman's handbag. In public or in private. Even if you are getting mugged on the street and someone has a gun on your head and you have her handbag in your hand, she will say "pass me my handbag." No lies.
But lets be fair to women - they are only being kind to you and trying to save you from yourself. I bet its a maze in there. How many times have you seen a woman holding a big bag wide open shuffling the things around and muttering "I swear I kept the keys here!"? They never find their keys. (Men, we keep our keys close where we can feel it the most, discomfort reassures us of our manliness.) What about the money? That is double safe - inside the hand-bag there would be a smaller side-bag. Inside the side-bag there would be a smaller purse. In a secret pocket of the purse there will be a small red-colored bag. That is where all the cash is stored. Along with two year old receipts. You see, there is a method to this madness. Women think that when they themselves cannot find something, there is no chance anyone else can find it. The best way to keep your things safe is to lose them! This is why there is no pick pocketing in the women's compartment in Mumbai locals. That is why the world is a better place to live in right now.
Fair warning: Adult stuff ahead.
Apparently it is going to become an even better place now. For people who cannot decide whether they are hornier or hungrier, some bright MBA came up with the idea of fruit flavored contraceptives! Talk about adding value to society. Banana, strawberry and vanilla. Wow, way to have fruit man. We Indians reaaally love food. Whats coming next - chicken tikka masala flavor? Malai paneer anyone? Be careful though, you don't want your partner to like it too much!
